DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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