You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
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