So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
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