I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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