I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
this hospital has no fireball
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
