Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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