maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
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