So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
No more Irish car bombs ever.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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