in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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