Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
