masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
