Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
