I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
