sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
