she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
