I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
