I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
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He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
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