Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
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