tell your sister to shave her snatch
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
