I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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