Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
