Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
