highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
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