I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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