My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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