The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
