ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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