I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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