That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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