I just pynch a tree in the face
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
cat food counts as protein by the way
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
