I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Randomize
