Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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