It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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