she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Randomize
