i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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