Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I want a musical about memes.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
