I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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