If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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