Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
