Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
He? As in you personified your dick?
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
