i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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