Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
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I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
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I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
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