Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
