I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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