But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
