carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
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