I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
