She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I could have mohawked her pubes.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
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I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
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I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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