Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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