theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
she peed on how many people?
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
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