I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
