The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
