she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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