Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize