Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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