I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
