well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
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