yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
