seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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