Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
